A Series of Unlikely Explanations

Of course I did my book report.
I finished the day it was assigned,
because I know the most important thing
is the improvement of my mind.

It's not that I forgot to bring it,
since I left myself a note on the door.
It's not that my dog ate it.
I shut him out of my room to be sure.

The truth, Mrs. Lyons, is stranger
than anything you've heard before.
Telling you now is painful,
and I wish I could be swallowed by the floor.

My backpack was abducted by aliens,
during the night while I slept.
I neither woke nor stirred,
that is how quietly they crept.

Why do you think that I'm lying?
I swear on my mom that it's true.
I'll print a new copy tonight,
and tomorrow I'll bring it to you.

I'm afraid I can't go to detention,
since I have a deadly allergy.
Quiet and concentration are things
that could easily be fatal to me.

Why can't I bring it tomorrow?
Is one day such a big deal?
I'll even email it right after school,
so that you know what I'm saying is real.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Lyons!
I'll be sure to send it by three.
You really have no idea
how much it means to me.

Wait, what?
I still have to go to detention?
To tell the truth, Mrs. Lyons,
I think I might prefer a suspension.